How to bring up trying something new

A pile of ideas feels like a new relationship they did not agree to. One idea feels like a question. Choose the smallest version you would still be glad you tried. Not the film in your head. The ten-minute version.

Put four things in the sentence. What it is. Why you want it, in a few honest words. What you are not asking for. And the fact that no is a full answer. If you cannot say the fourth part and mean it, you are not ready to ask.

Here is a shape you can steal. “I want to try a short version of you being in charge. Ten minutes, clothes stay on, I want it because I like it when you decide. I’m not asking for anything rough. If you don’t want to, that’s the end of it.” Change the details. Keep the shape. The details are yours. The shape is what makes it fair.

Say it in private, in a normal voice, when you are not already naked and not already annoyed. A joke at dinner with friends is a trap, because refusing makes them the serious one. A text can be kinder if face-to-face makes one of you freeze, as long as the text still contains the no.

Do not attach the ask to a special occasion they cannot ruin. An anniversary, a birthday, the night before they travel. Those are the moments a no feels cruel even when it is reasonable. A Tuesday is a better stage. Tuesday can hold a no.

If you have several things you are curious about and you do not want to pick for them, use the list instead of a speech. The yes / no / maybe list lets each of you mark ideas alone. The game hides a solo no. You then talk about one shared yes, which is a much easier sentence than the one you rehearsed in the shower.

Yes means yes to the version you described, not to whatever the evening becomes. Restate the edges before you start. “Clothes on, ten minutes, either of us can say stop.” If they add an edge, it is now part of the plan. If you add one, ask again. The plan is a shared object. It does not belong to the person who thought of it.

No means you stop mentioning it. You can feel disappointed. You cannot collect interest on the disappointment. Do not punish the night by going quiet, and do not praise yourself for “being fine with it” in a way that asks them to comfort you. Say “thanks for telling me” and pick a film.

Maybe needs a smaller question, not a countdown. Ask which part is interesting and which part is the problem. Sometimes the problem is the setting, the words, or the fear of not knowing how to stop. The safeword guide fixes that last one better than reassurance does. Read it before you turn a maybe into a date.

Keep the first try shorter than you want. Ten or fifteen minutes is long enough to learn something and short enough to recover if you hate it. Use a timer if you are the kind of people who will not notice time once you start. Stopping because the timer went off is easier than stopping because someone has to announce a feeling.

Decide the stop words before you start, even if the idea is mild. “Stop” can be the word. Yellow can mean ease off. Red can mean everything ends. We wrote those out in the safeword guide because people freeze, and a word you practiced is easier to find than a new one. If a mouth might be busy, pick a tap as well.

• ·A blindfold for one song, with a hand they can squeeze to take it off.
• ·One person picks the kissing for ten minutes. Clothes stay where they are.
• ·Dice, on the flirty faces only: an action, a place, a short time. Skip any roll.
• ·A tiny power-play round: one leads, one follows, and red is on the screen the whole time.

The dice live in Spicy Dice, and the short leading-and-following round is Power Play. Power Play asks for a free account because the limits stay with you. If “someone is in charge” is the idea you want, the beginner version is power play for beginner couples, not the hottest card in the deck.

Check in once, in daylight, with your clothes on. Two questions are enough. What did you like? What would you change or drop? If the answer is “I don’t want to do that again,” that answer does not need a rebuttal. You tried it. The information is the prize.

Do not review their performance. “You were too hesitant” is a good way to make sure they never try anything else with you. If you want something different next time, say the something, kindly, and let them want it too. A second try is another yes. It is not included in the first one.

If the try went well and you are grinning about it, enjoy that without immediately scheduling a bigger version. Let the small one be a complete night. You can want more later. You do not have to spend the goodwill in the same week.